I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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