just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize