honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
