Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
