May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
