do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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