My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
what day is it and did you see me today?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
