you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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