I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
