Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
