best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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