His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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