Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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