It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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