then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
