Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
