I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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