just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
