Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
