I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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