ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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