My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize