No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
