Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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