he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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