I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
