fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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