I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
