If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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