I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
