I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize