oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
