i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
