Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
