Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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