If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
