I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
