im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
