My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
