There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
