someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
