You can't special order awesome
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize