She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I stole a fireplace last night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
