All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
