Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
