Tell her she can't have a vagina
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
