the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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