her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
