how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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