I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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