I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
