Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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