Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize