you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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