just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
