Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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