So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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