it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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